I Will Kill You Look

Just finished watching a movie with Satoh Takeru in it. Roughly translated as Liar and His Lover. 

First love never dies.

I like his eyes, his hair and his cheekbones.

I like the way he works hard. Wherever he is now, he worked hard for it. He is not just, as they call it, an "idol". He really serious about his craft. 

I want to work that hard too.

However, I am still on my neeto mode. 

Sige Emo

This commitment thing is hard. Hindi ko na alam saan ko pupulutin. Parang hanggang dito nalang. Parang wala ng ilalabas pa. Parang wala ng idadagdag pa. 

Familiarity

Sometimes people just drift away.

Hey Say Jump

I think I have friends. I just do not have those who I can be completely honest with all the time. Well, I have them. But they are far. And emoing does not work as good as in person. Haha. I have this theory that people expect me to always be in good shape. Because I am supposed to always be in good shape. There is no reason not to be. However, reality is, I am not always okay. Even if I know that I should be. And so, there's nobody with whom I can vent out. 

So I watch. Haha

life status

Still no call.

I can do nothing the whole day. 

I have stuff to do. But. I. Don't. Want. To. Do. Them.

They take so much effort. 

I need a work ASAP. 

Panel Interview

Panel interview earlier.

During my previous interviews, I give a high price whenever asked for my expected salary. Entering this company made me realize that was wrong. There is a line separating protecting your human rights from bragging. You cannot just ask for a high price. You have to work for it. 

If ever they hire me, this is serious work right here.

I actually want it here. I like the schedule and the thought that I will finally be a legit chemist with the equipments and hard to say chemicals. The pay is lower than my previous job but I think it is fair enough. I don't mind climbing up the ladder. I cannot say anything about the people yet since you can't really tell in the panel if they're trying to be tough or nice. 

Let's see. 

It's going to be a new beginning indeed. 

the past days

Ang saya lang ng mga nakaraang araw.

Planetshakers concert

New possibilities sa work

Batasan Life Group

Network Conference

Masaya dito.

power

A new beginning requires a new level of commitment. 

Hindi lang ito ang plano para sa akin. Kung ano mang meron ako ngayon, masyado itong maliit para sa kakayahan ng gumawa at nagplano ng lahat. Kaya hindi ako pwedeng maniwala na hanggang dito nalang. Pwede din pala. Kasi hindi lang naman siya ang factor. Ako din. Kahit mas marami pa siyang pwdeng gawin at kayang gawin, kung hanggang dito nlng ako, hanggang dito nlang talaga. In the end, ako din ang nagddetermine. Kahit marami pa syang pwde ilagay, hindi na pwde kung hindi na kaya ng lalagyan. Sa ngayon, ito na ang sakto sa lalagyan. Kaya ayan, eto na. 

Quality Control

12

Pwde narin naman. May trabaho nako. May disciples naman ako. Ang dami na nga namin sa lagay na ito eh. Layo na nga rin ng narating ko sa lagay na to. Okay na. Pero nakakainsulto talaga to para sa kanya. 

Pwde pa more. Pwde akong maging millionaire. Pwde din akong sumweldo ng 6 digits per month. Pwede pa akong maging leader of 144 leaders. Kasi nga limitless ang God ko. Malay mo makapag-artista pa ako. Hahaha. Kailangan ko lang maging mas malaking lalagyan. Kailangan maging seryosong committed. Hindi na pwdeng mukang committed lang. May form walang power. Hindi na pwdeng comitted lang sa gusto. Kailangan committed sa big picture, lahat ng sulok, lahat ng anggulo. 

Yung susunod kong work, committed na. Hindi malelate. Hindi magrereklamo. Hindi babalewaliin ang mga instructions. Will go the extra mile. 

Narealize ko din na nakadena nako sa thought na "successful" ako in the past. Nalulungkot ako ngayon kasi nahirapan ako magconsolidate. Parang ang tigas ng mga tao. Parang ang hirap mag-disciple. So ako parang sige backslide nalang kayo. Mahirap talaga, ganun talaga. Let it be let it be. Mali eh. Dapat committed akong leader. Hindi ko sila pwdeng iexpect na maging committed kay Lord kung hindi ko kayang maging comitted sa kanila. As their leader, dapat committed ako na mag-grow sila. Yun ang consolidation eh- committed kang bumreakthrough sila. Kung hanggang dito lang ang commitment ko sa kanila, wala akong karapatang magdemand ng commitment sa kanila. 

Humanda kayo. Mamahalin niyo si Lord. Sa ayaw at sa gusto niyo.

Mas magiging committed pa ako. Mas magiging faithful pa ako. 

Minsan maiingit ka nalang. Bakit sila ganito ganyan. Pero sige lang. There is power if I stay faithful in my season. There is power if I stay in my place. 

Breaking free from mediocrity.

Kakaiba talaga ang wisdom ng aking mga pastor. 

Hi says the oxen

Embrace the season and place you are in. Be faithful in abundance. Be faithful in lack.

There are a lot of take aways from today. But to me, this struck home the most. 

Elisha was a farmer, not an ordinary one at that. He was plowing in the wilderness, behind 12 oxens. He was forgotten, displaced, and even hidden. But he was there, doing what he was supposed to do. He never rested under a shade. He never bathed in the nearby river nor flirted with the girls drawing water from the well. He never ran away. He was just there, silently, steadily plowing. So when the right time came, Elijah found him right where God placed him. If he did had other plans, the story would have turned out differently.  

Elijah promised Elisha a double portion of his anointing. But Elisha had to wait for 10 years before the promise was fulfilled. In those ten years, he never stopped running after Elijah even during the times when Elijah shrugged him off. This explains why even his bones are anointed.

Are you going to keep on plowing even if you're in the wilderness? Even if you are hidden behind 12 oxens? Even when you have to sacrifice the comforts of home? Even when it is not noticed? 

Elisha's goal was to reap crops. God had something entirely different in mind- He was setting up Elijah and Elisha's meet-up. He was setting up Elisha's destiny. The wilderness was not a punishment. It was a training, a catapult to your destiny. 

Funny. My rhema word for this year is exactly the church's new beginning rhema word. When I first received that word, I did not really get excited. Everybody were posting promises of great joy and abundance. On the other hand, there I was, being forewarned that I will go through wilderness and deserts. 

Then the word became flesh.

I just resigned. I am currently jobless and in the midst of interview hustle bustles. 
I just got transferred to another network. I am just starting to make connections. 
I just lost a number of disciples. I am struggling to forgive and forget.
I am raising up a new group of leaders. I am losing my regular open cell.
I am torn between going home and staying here.
I am having quarter life crisis feels. 

Hello there person. 

Thank you for everything. It is nice to know that there is someone ready to do those things for me. Also, it keeps my self esteem healthy. I know that if I only ask, you would deliver. I won't. However, thank you for that too. 

I know your feels. I am not as dense as I appear. Also, I think I have an inkling as to why you are not yet formalizing your feels. Right now, I don't think I have the same feels. I just like the thought. But it's not really there yet. You are an awesome person. You have seen my unguarded moments and you did not run away. I think your perception of me is way higher than who I really am. And that makes me think I am a lot more than what I credit myself for. But you see, I am looking for that someone whom I cannot live without. And right now, it's really not you. 

Well, a lot of things can happen. There may be plot twists. We'll know as we go along.

Hello there another person.

I really wished it was me. Sabi nga ni Basha, "Ako nalang ulit Poy, sana ako nalang ulit," Ang hirap ienglish nun. Saka tagalog ka naman kasi talaga kaya parang mas bagay na tagalog na lahat to. haha. Sana kasi, tinago mo. Sabi nga ni kathryn, "tinaas mo ako eh. Ang taas." Tapos ngayon, o nasan ka na? Iba na. Eh wala na, nasa taas nako. Kanya kanyang baba tuloy. Hinihintay parin kita umakyat ulit. Hahaha. Pero alam ko namang nakakarinig ka. Alam ko namang gagawin mo lang kung anong sinabi sayo. Kaya bababa nako. Itigil na tong kadramahang ito. Hindi ikaw si popoy. Hindi ako si basha. Hindi ikaw si daniel. Hindi ako si kathryn. Sabi ko na aldub ako eh. 

This is going to be the best story ever.   

I have been doing this for around five years now. Ask me how to do it and I definitely have an answer. I know that I am good in this. I have the fruits to show. I am not even trying to hide how I take pride in being able to do this, in being one of the bests. 

And then I talked with person A. She's just new in the business. She still has a lot of things to learn, a lot to experience. She told me how happy she is with the little progress that she is making. 

And then I smiled. Once upon a time, I was just like person A. I used to appreciate the little things a lot. I forgot that those little things are the building blocks of the great, large and magnificent things. I got so familiar with them through time that I forgot that it is actually those little things that made me happy. I forgot that I should not just be doing, I should be happy with what I am doing. I forgot that little as they are, they are still by grace and not my own doing. 

So now I am falling in love with those little things again.

Thank you person A. You just showed the expert how it is supposed to be done. 

I'm a hoarder. I want to be everything. I want everything to be mine. I do not really have a definite purpose. Sometimes I am not even sure if I really have to have it or if I even want it. It is just that, it has to be mine. So I run after a lot of things. I run after everything. Then I end up with nothing. 

Come to think of it, not having everything is good. 

Perks of not having everything:

1. You have enough storage space. You will not have a hard time deciding which to place in an easy to reach spot and which to box. You will then be able to see, enjoy and be reminded of what you have instead of just letting them gather dust in a pile you have left somewhere.

2. Emphasis on you can enjoy what you have. When you have too much stuff, you will run out of time just thinking about what to do or use first. Then you would just get lazy and settle with whatever. This is why talented/ skillful people sometimes end up being nobodies. They have so many things going on in their minds that they just did not pursue anything at all anymore. 

3.  You can build up on what you already have. You are a laser, not a sunlight. You are efficient, organized and comfortable, not chaotic, slipping on something every now and then.

It's good that I am not my life's master. Being the hoarder that I am, I would really acquire everything that I lay my eyes on if I was given the power to do so. Then I would not be happy. I would just have a lot of stuff. I won't even have space to breathe comfortably. 

There are times when you have to be in lack so that you will what you really need, what you really cannot live without. 

I am in good hands :)

Coffee Break

I have no idea why I was allowed to live this life. 

I have the best parents.

I have the best sister.

I have the best church.

I have the best leaders.

I have the best team.

And soon I am going to have the best work.

A lot of times I rant. Let me take this time to actually be thankful

Hey there self. I know you. You write because of the archives. Every now and then you want to laugh at yourself, or have a break, or just remember that you've been through a lot. I do not know when you will pass by this post again but when you do, remember. It may be tough. It may be confusing. Whatever. Do not let anything make you forget that you have been given nothing but the best. The least you can do is to love. Let love be the outflow of your gratitude. No matter what, do not resort to selfishness. Tough times do not validate anything. You have been given the best, go and give out your very best. 

Torn between two lovers

Aaaaand I'm back. 

Once upon a time, I chose this to be my battlefield. I was so sure that I wanted this, to be here, that I actually asked the heavens for it. Now, I am not anymore sure. There are times when I just really want to stay at home. The whole gang is there and they are growing old. I want to be there, to be able to help and to just be there.  But then I know that if I do stay there, I will stagnate. Because that is what happens when everything is at the tip of your fingertips- you do not anymore move the rest of your body. So there you remain, stunted. It is a struggle, really. I wish I could go back to the time when I know what I really want.

I cannot choose because it's really a 50-50 fight. I know that unless I make that decision I will not have a next step. You need a direction before you can move forward. 

Met with high school super friends last night.

Math wizard now has her own shop and family.

Valedictorian became a licensed pharmacist, now manages her own milk tea shop.

ROTC commander just waved his rainbow flag.

Resident nice guy now hits on everybody, with or without attachments.

Resident play boy now has his own family and actually remains loyal to his wife who resident nice guy also flirted with. 

Miss congeniality is rapidly becoming everybody's enemy because of her lies and unpaid dues.

Happy go lucky guy is now a military doctor with a girl friend in the military.

Some troubled rebel girls are now raising up their little girls and are not anymore troubled.

Some troubled rebel girls remained troubled though.

And a lot more.

These were not what we had in mind during high school.

Math wizard can develop her own formula while all of us were still lost with the given equation.

Valedictorian was the best in everything.

ROTC commander used to have feelings for me. 

Resident nice guy loved only one girl.

Resident play boy used to gloat on the number of girls who like him.

Miss congeniality gave the best advices.

Happy go lucky guy did not have any goals. 

But somehow things turned out this and that way for each of us. Honestly, I am disappointed with where some of my former classmates are now because I looked up to them. I aspired to be like them, to have what they have. They could have been so much more. But then now it seems like they only put everything to waste. But of course, this is only me and my twisted definition of success. Wherever they are right now, reality is, they could be happy. Well except for some who are obviously not. 

So I guess where you are right now is not where you will always be. What you have right now will not always be as it is. Some time from now, things will again take another turn. 

As for me, I do not really know how my classmates perceived me. But the way I look  me, I was the lost kid. I was always wishing to have this and that, to be this and that. I was always envious and insecure, always checking if I was at par with everybody else. While frantically looking for where everybody was heading, I just ended up lost and confused. Nothing much has changed. 

I'll move on now. I will put my hopes on plot twists. Apparently, a lot of things can happen.  

Today is perfect.

I think I just unearthed one of the secrets to having perfect days. And  because I am generous and sure that no one really reads this, I will reveal it here. It's having a not-entitled mindset. Most days I go through life thinking that I have the right for this and that, that I deserve to be given this and that, that I am entitled to this and that. Well, because I have worked hard for this and that and because, just because. Apparently, it doesn't work that way. Because whatever I have worked so hard for cannot equate to what I I did get now. I got spent but still that is only a small part of a grand masterpiece which I now experience, which I am now a part of. So in the end, I do not have the right to anything, I do not deserve anything, and I am not entitled to anything. Just being a part of this miracle is already more than enough. I shouldn't be here but I am. I tend to forget that. 

Other secrets may include

-meaningful conversations
-being able to deliver 
-surprises
-magical people

Because I can write in a different font color.

I am still amazed at the fact that I am able to open this account. I haven't edited my profile yet because I want to preserve the 2007 feels of this site. But know for sure that a lot has changed. My love for colored font not being one of those changes, apparently.

I have met a lot of amazing people. Their kindness almost killed me to death and that is not even sarcastic. I have been so blessed to have met them. It is because of their patience and grace that I believe the heavens love me. What makes me sad is the thought that I can't pay them back with the same amount of kindness. All I ever did was disappoint. Not that I am emoing. I am just disappointed with myself for disappointing them. 

More of that later.

I can bloooooooooog. This is <3

Acropetal Succession Succeeded

1, 422 page views. wow. 

My laptop and Tumblr dislike each other. Hence, I can only use Tumblr in my smartphone which is hard because I like ranting while hearing my fingers slam the keys. With this, I conclude that it is not the writing itself which is therapeutic but the sound. For some reason, I am able to open this account which I made way back in 2007 as an outlet for my unrequited love for math, physics, sometimes chemistry and some random people. Thank you for giving me the chance to write again, with sounds. As far as I remember, nobody knows about this account because I did not really made contact with anybody with this account. I find that I rant more naturally and more beautifully behind an unknown juliet hailey. Except if one of those 1, 422 actually knows about juliet hailey. If you do, please tell me asap so that I can prevent myself from further embarrassing myself. 

So I guess I'm back. They won't be seeing much in Tumblr for a while. 

8 years after. I had a lot of hurdles that followed after Math 53 and Sir Wong. But I eventually graduated with a degree in Chemistry albeit a bit delayed. I've also passed the board exams and worked in a manufacturing company after that. So yes, I'm old now. I have old people problems now. Not having a source of income as of the moment, for instance. I quit my manufacturing job. I like my family there but it's growing too comfortable for me. I know that if I didn't got out when I did, I would eventually think of nt doing so ever. Besides, that is not why I finished Chemistry for. I did dreamt of being able to develop something that is of worth someday. I do not just want a job. But then now I do not have any job. Once again, my "desire to grow" has brought me to ranting. To quote my 2007 slf, may pa-grow grow pa kasi akong nalalaman. And I totally do not know what to do next. 

More rants when I return. Grown ups have to eat.